I’m Not Mean… But I’m Not Nice

I recently had a conversation that felt like a sucker punch. The wind knocked right out of my sense of self.

I was describing my current life and musing about how the hell it is March already. A girl has been “go, go, go” for quite some time but it’s been excessive lately.

You know the juggling act. The stream of consciousness sounds something like: maintain corporate baddie level 1,000, start a side hustle, make time for friends and family, be a loving dog mom, make time for my relationship, achieve personal and fitness goals, keep the home tidy, keep up with my monthly TBR list. If you’re anything like me, the to-do list is always growing and you have moments where you don’t see an end in sight.

As I was saying, I was asked this very pointed question (while spiraling a bit, see above): what would happen if I took a day off? Unfathomable. I didn’t quite say that, but this was the first word to come to mind. I did say: I’d fall behind. Another wonderfully pointed question to this response: but don’t you need rest? Why would rest put you behind? Won’t it all still be there? Dun, dun, duuuuun. Well, yes. Everything will still be there. But I’ll be behind on it. Duh. It won’t get done faster or fast enough. Hustle culture has entered the chat.

You may not know this about me, but I have been very guilty of girlbossing too close to the sun. 3rd degree burnout and all. I was left with one more question: why is taking a step back or “falling behind” so bad? These questions are hard for me. I treat myself differently than I treat my loved ones at times. And when I need a reality check, I often ask myself: what would I tell a friend? Or the 5-year-old B?

Let’s see. If one of my friends was having a spiral, as I was, I wouldn’t encourage them to go harder. But when I hold my internal dialogue, I whisper: keep going. I don’t whisper: it’s ok to slow down.

When I sat with this more, I got emotional. Holy shit. I’m not mean to myself, but I’m not nice. I push myself like a Barry’s Bootcamp instructor (no shade but it’s called bootcamp for a reason). In my head, I am that instructor who toes the line between motivating and mean. Telling someone to get their ass going and work for it. Don’t. Give. Up. You got it this. Keep going.

I feel this pressure tremendously in my career, but I carry it around in a lot of ways. I’ve gotten very grey on what it means to be disciplined and dedicated versus giving myself a break.

I felt shameful about this. How could I not be nicer to myself? Where is my grace to myself? Also, see above where I am aware I treat myself differently than my loved ones. Don’t I know better? Old habits die hard.

I knew I was going to write about this when it happened. I felt compelled to for my fellow high achievers and also because it was the emotional equivalent of a bucket of ice being thrown on top of me.

The universe was conspiring with me. I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, The Skinny Confidential. It was a Q&A episode, and Lauryn Bosstick mentioned how she is constantly monitoring her thoughts to remain positive. I was inspired and reminded to be the guardian of my thoughts.

I wanted to get specific about what to do next. I decided to try something new. I’ve talked about my practice with the 5-minute gratitude journal at great lengths. It’s how I start each day. The simplicity, time efficiency, and the impact it has had on me could get me talking for hours. I bring this up because I needed the practicality of this model for my next steps.

I needed an end-of-day win, and a daily moment to congratulate myself. I needed something that would make me purposefully consistent in being my own cheerleader and celebrating myself. Because like I said, I’m not mean but I’m not nice.

Where I landed was, each night after my skincare routine is done, teeth are brushed and flossed, my retainer is in, my pj’s are on, my dog is sleeping on my leg, my boyfriend is snoring, just before I grab my Kindle to read before bed, I think of one thing I’m super proud of myself for from that day. 

Just one thing. I didn’t want this to be overwhelming. It didn't have to be extraordinary either. It ranges from making a huge impact with a project at work to washing the dishes like I said I was going to do. I then give myself a minute to feel the joy of that. I usually end up smiling ear to ear as I mentally hype myself up on that one thing. I get really into it. I know, I know. This is some “woo woo” shit. But it feels good. Way better than the mental loop of “to-do’s”. I'm also leaving my laptop at home for the first time in 7 years when my boyfriend and I go to Jamaica for my birthday. This is monumental for me (and embarrassing to admit).  But I’m doing so simply because I deserve rest.

It’s new. It’s a work in progress. Just like me. And I’m going to slip here and there. I’m also going to be a little stuck on how to end blogs for a while (please bear with me), but I hope this resonates on your end. The point is growth is a process, and we are meant to continue evolving. Even though I most certainly thought I was past this stage. Hehe.

One book that has helped me move forward tremendously with being a bit more kind to myself is “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay. I read this back in 2021 and I think it’s time for a reboot.

XOXO, B.